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The Smell of Autumn Leaves

from My Father Loved Me by Rachael Kilgour

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lyrics

The changing of the seasons
From summer into fall
And three years ago
I flew back home after that call
The birch leaves fade yellow
Maple turns to red
And it was just the other day
That I remembered you were dead

It was just the other day
And the day before that too
Not one hour has passed that I don’t think of losing you

Now who will be my fortress
If you’re lost to the world?
I don’t need to talk about it
I just want someplace to curl
Up small and be protected
Like the child that I once was
Like how you’d hold me just because

I had moved to Boston
A master of my fate
And by the time I realized what I had done it was too late
And I wonder if you knew
How soon death would come for you?
Did you miss me?
Did you wish that I’d stayed back to help you through?

And will you be my fortress
At the end of the world?
I don’t need to talk about it
I just want someplace to curl
Up small and be forgiven
For the things I could not give
Squeeze me tight like I’m a kid
And let me try it all again

My head upon your chest then
Your golden girl returned
I memorized your every breath
And cursed the lesson I had learned
And you were strong as ever
Right until the end
Your arms strung tight like Popeye
And your will could not be bent

But I couldn’t stay for long
And day by day you still held on
So I kissed you on the forehead
And had to leave you just at dawn

And as the plane touched down 1,500 miles away
You took your final breath
And they called me just to say

Will you be my fortress
At the end of the world?
I don’t need to talk about it
I just want someplace to curl
Up small and be reminded
Of what goodbye really means
Like the smell of autumn leaves
Coming back to me

credits

from My Father Loved Me, released September 22, 2023

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